Most of us have social relationships with our friends, neighbors, family members, co-workers, and community members. Some of these relationships may lead to “social connectedness.” So, what’s the difference and how do we develop “social connectedness?”
Social relationships, for this article, are casual relationships. Maybe it’s someone you see walking to the train stop each day. Or a neighbor walking by your house most days of the week. You don’t get to know those people (unless you try). If you don’t know if they have kids, or their spouse’s name, or what they do in their spare time, you don’t know them well. Or maybe these are “friends” you have on social media. They aren’t the ones you’d depend on for help if you needed it.
Social connectedness, on the other hand, is a deeper relationship. You know that person well and enjoy spending time together. You have things in common and talk about feelings and life. There’s a sense of belonging, and you are confident you could ask this person for help at a moment’s notice.
You can feel a connectedness with a neighbor, a friend, or a family member. Or maybe you feel connected with a co-worker or community member. It doesn’t matter who they are. What matters is that you feel connected to some of the people around you. Why does it matter?
Health Benefits of Social Relationships
An article published in the NIH National Library of Medicine describes evidence that shows how social connections influence our health and longevity. But maybe more importantly, the authors also demonstrate that a lack of social connections is a risk factor for premature death. There are proven health benefits to having social relationships and, specifically, social connectedness.
Social connections increase our likelihood of survival by 50% when compared to those with few social connections no matter your age or health status. In fact, an article in the American Psychological Association suggests social disconnection can be as harmful to your health as other risk factors, including obesity and smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day – and physical inactivity.
Numerous articles point out that social connections help prevent serious illness (heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety), as well as improve your ability to recover from anxiety and depression. They can also help reduce your risk of violent and suicidal behaviors and prevent death from chronic diseases.
Hopefully, this is enough to convince you to develop meaningful social connections. But if it’s not, note that up to 43% of adults in the U.S. over the age of 60 suffer from frequent loneliness. More concerning is that the size of the average American’s social network decreased by about 33% since 1985.
Positive Social Relationships Improve Your Psychological Well-Being
I talked about Professor Ryff’s Psychological Well-Being Model as it relates to having a life purpose. One of the key components of that well-being model is to have positive social relationships in your life.
Positive relationships with others are characterized by warm and satisfying relations. You are concerned about the welfare of others. And you offer strong empathy towards others when they need it. This requires, generally, a substantial amount of give and take.
And that give-and-take is a key part of a social relationship. That can make it difficult to develop social relationships with some people. If you find that you are so set in your ways that you feel differing opinions about any topic are just plain wrong, then that doesn’t fit the give-and-take philosophy. You must work to eliminate the “my way or the highway” approach to developing meaningful social relationships.
Family Relationships
I know so many families that are divided over some minor conflict. Sometimes to the point where parents removed a child from their will. Or an adult child told a father that he didn’t want him in his life anymore. I find these situations very sad because they always start from a small disagreement on something. And it’s usually a case of “my way or the highway,” which is the opposite of the “give-and-take” approach to developing social relationships that lead to connectedness.
A Personal Story of Divorce in the Family
My parents divorced during my PhD. I was angry at my dad and wrote him out of my life. One day, I was talking to my PhD advisor about how it made me angry that my dad was doing things that weren’t smart (in my opinion). My advisor’s comment to me:
Do you think your dad spends any time at all worrying about those things?
It brought me to my senses. Of course my dad didn’t think the things he was doing were stupid – he wouldn’t do them if that were the case. I had no “give-and-take,” which damaged my relationship with my dad.
I lost a year with my dad because I adopted the “my way or the highway” approach with him. But then I repaired the relationship with my dad, and we developed a connectedness. Which I cherished until the day he died. I’d do anything to have that lost year back.
My Guarantee to My Daughters
Seeing so much divisiveness in families prompted me to make a guarantee to our two daughters and their husbands:
I will never let anything make us grow apart. I will always be the one to back off.
It was more than a guarantee to them. Making it changed my approach to all social relationships in my life. I reconnected with long-time friends after we grew apart for some reason. I adopted a different approach to talking to and visiting with my mom.
When we are around groups of people who don’t care for each other, my partner and I take the Switzerland approach. We stay neutral because everyone has a back story. Most of the time, we don’t know that back story and, therefore, don’t understand why a person holds a particular opinion. But taking a neutral approach allows us to learn that backstory.
Because I made that guarantee to my daughters, I’ve been a much happier person. I credit my newfound desire to understand why people are the way they are. Once you know, and take the time to understand, a person’s background, it’s much easier to understand why they have the opinions they have – and to simply agree to disagree without it turning into a huge battle.
Unhealthy Relationships
Everything I’ve written about so far relates to positive, healthy relationships. These are relationships where people show empathy to each other, and both sides are willing to practice give-and-take. But some relationships are unhealthy.
Two Types of Unhealthy Relationships
There are a couple of unhealthy relationships that you need to watch out for. These are toxic relationships, where one person tries to control and dominate the relationship, and relationship negativity. Negativity is when one person in the relationship exhibits over-the-top pessimism, holds grudges, and simply has a hard time seeing any positives in situations. The phrase from Star Wars “Luke, don’t turn to the dark side” reminds me of how negative people behave. They always look at the dark side.
If you find that your relationship is full of competition, conflict, and one person trying to control the relationship, then you are in an unhealthy relationship. Lillian Glass, who has advanced degrees in communications from Michigan and Minnesota, introduced the toxic relationship term in her book Toxic People.
Options if You Are in an Unhealthy Relationship
Unhealthy relationships aren’t always apparent on the surface. They may take some time to figure out. But you must figure it out sooner rather than later. Unhealthy relationships suck the energy out of you. You might feel isolated and blamed for all problems or disagreements. Or have to deal with immense negativity.
Once you recognize a relationship is unhealthy, you have three choices:
- Do nothing and live with it. This is the easiest approach in the short term, but it will affect your health in the long term. You’re not solving the problem.
- Leave the relationship. That may seem awkward in the short term, but you’ll feel better in the long term. And your health will benefit from the exit.
- Talk to the other person about why it is an unhealthy relationship. This is difficult and will feel awkward, especially if you’re not used to having difficult conversations. But you may learn a backstory you didn’t know. That backstory may show that there is merit in the relationship, and it can become stronger with an improved understanding of each other. If not, then, after a solid discussion, you’ll find that it’s easier to exit the relationship.
I know many people who adopt the first choice because they don’t like confrontation. But confronting an unhealthy relationship is oftentimes the only way to be. Otherwise, it will fester like a cancer.
So, How Do You Create Social Relationships and Connectedness?
The CDC lists five ways you can improve social connections. The one item that’s missing from this list, though, is you need to prioritize developing and nurturing social connectedness. We finally recognized that these things don’t develop on their own.
When we were younger with kids, our social connections came easily. That’s because we always ran into the same parents who were taking their kids to the park, a school or church event, or just playing in the yards on our block. We didn’t have to work to develop several social connections.
But then our kids went to college and beyond and we were left to find social connections on our own. And we were terrible at it. Because we never had to work to find and develop these connections, we didn’t learn how to develop them. Furthermore, we didn’t prioritize them because they just happened.
Now that we are empty nesters, we realize that we need to prioritize developing friendships and connectedness. That means learning how to find and develop social relationships and connections. And the way we do it is to volunteer at various events in the area and get together with neighbors. We look for “opportunity-rich” activities where we can meet people with similar interests. If we have something in common with the people around us, then we have a better chance of developing social connectedness.
But keep in mind that social connections take effort. You must take time to learn, share stories, and express appropriate empathy to the other party in the relationship. And what I think is most important is to be there when they need help.
Resources to Help
The CDC, to my pleasant surprise, has a very good list of resources to help you develop positive social relationships and connectedness. These are listed here. There are several “help guides,” but also many ways to help others with social connectedness.
Many are community-based. Many talk about how to avoid social isolation and loneliness, important for your well-being and longevity.
Finally, towards the bottom of the alphabetized list, is an article from the Alzheimer’s Association. They don’t add anything new to the discussion but re-emphasize the importance of social relationships when it comes to our brain health. They also explain how you can help with their various activities – all of which are devoted to supporting caregivers and ending dementia.
Wrap-Up
Social connectedness supports healthy living and well-being. We are social animals, but it’s too easy in today’s world to isolate ourselves behind a smartphone or computer screen. If our only interaction with someone is via social media, then that’s not a meaningful social relationship.
You need to prioritize working on social relationships – spending time with others and listening to how they are dealing with a problem, showing empathy, and expressing gratitude. It takes work, just like learning a new skill. Because, after all, learning how to develop meaningful social relationships and connectedness is a learning skill. If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it. And with it, part of your well-being and longevity.
Hi, I’m Kirby Chapman, the creator behind The Healthy League. You can read about